Perfect Day

Right now I am drinking coffee and watching the snow coming down outside. My big, fat cat is asleep next to me and the dog is snoring on the floor. The best part is that my baby Carlyn is asleep in the other room. Everything is right in my world.

Sometimes I watch her and am so amazed by the woman she has become. She is one of those people who makes friends wherever she goes, can light up a room with her smile and always has a funny comment that makes me laugh until I cry. I look at her and can still see the five year old girl with the big brown eyes who looked up at me adoringly. I wonder if she realizes that I am often the one who is now looking up at her in the same way.

She is and always will be the best part of our family.

Beautiful

I have just discovered something that is more beautiful than the elk in Yellowstone National Park-Elk medium rare on my plate. Yummy Yummy!

Bath and Body Works might work for me

Today I have decided that I slightly envy people who have jobs that don't require the things that my job does. I don't mean to talk down about people who have these jobs, but today I felt like all I wanted was to go back to working at Bath and Body works where the only thing I had to worry about was how many samples I gave out during my shift.

I do love my job. It has just been extremely difficult since Christmas Eve when I was on call. Since that night, I haven't slept much and can't seem to get work out of my head. Today I got to the point with a few people where I just wanted to scream as a result of how many hours I have spent on one particular case concerning these people.

I told my coworkers today that working at the mall sounded really good and ended it with "I didn't go to college for this crap". Then I remembered that this is exactly what I went to college for :)

Colleen

Colleen took off a few minutes ago, flying back to the war. I feel too many different emotions about her leaving and can't seem to put them into words yet. It takes a lot for me to pray, but believe me, I will be praying a lot over the next few months to keep her safe over there. I put on my cartouche that she gave me and plan to keep it on until she gets home. Probably sounds silly, but it makes me feel closer to her.

Don't blame me if this grosses you out

I am serious! This is my blog so I can write whatever I want to and if you read it and say to yourself, 'wow, that is so much more than I wanted to know' you have only yourself to blame because I warned you.

I had another appointment with my fertility doctor today even though this procedure had nothing to do with infertility. I had to have an LSIL removed which stands for low grade squamous intra-epithelias lesion. I was anxious most of the day because I am such a baby when it comes to this kind of thing. I have never had a cavity, a broken bone or stitches unless it was during surgery and I was knocked out. I took Tania with me of course, who got to hold my hand the whole time!

As soon as the nurse left the room for me to get changed into the oh so flattering sheet, I started looking at the instruments that they had laid out for the procedure. Tania finally made me quit looking at them. So the doctor comes in and explains everything to me step by step. As always, he tells me to relax. How easy is it to relax when your feet are in stirrups and you are about to be given four shots of Lidocaine in the vagina? The shots definitely hurt and I started crying but the tears were more from the fear and crazy imagination than from the pain. I was so scared by that point that I asked the doctor if I was going to hear the scissors when he started.

I laid there crying with Tania holding my hand and the nurse giving me a tissue. The doctor kept talking to me through the process and at one point I told him that I felt something tugging and he said it was the needle for the stitches. I told him that I didn't want to hear about the needle so he then said that he meant to say that he wasn't using a needle. Everyone else laughed and I told him I was laughing on the inside. He actually is very funny; I just didn't feel like laughing at that moment. The stitches seemed to take much longer than I expected. He had told me that it would only be one stitch so I figured it wouldn't take that long. It turns out that what he meant was that it would be a running stitch which means it is technically one stitch but it is the equivalent of many stitches.

As soon as he was done the nurse cleaned me up a bit and then left for me to get changed. When I stood up, Tania told me not to look at the table so that is exactly where I looked. There was a lot of blood. I mean A LOT! Tania left so I could get cleaned up and dressed. Believe me if there had been a way to get out of there without ever standing up I would have. The cleanup was unbelievable. In the time that it took for me to clean up, get dressed and go to the restroom, I needed a new liner. Even now, four hours later I still have some bleeding.

I had planned to go to work tomorrow because I wasn't anticipating a lot of pain, but it turns out the 'aftercare of the site' is more intensive than I expected. For the next week, every time I use the restroom, I have to clean the area with a syringe and blow dry it. Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to do that at work??? So I called and told my boss that I will not be in tomorrow but I hope to go in on Saturday because the office will be empty so if I take my blow dryer no one will know, hopefully.

I go back next Wednesday to see the doctor again. He should have the results of the biopsy by then. Fun, fun, fun!

Today's doctor's appointment

I was pretty nervous about this procedure (hysterosalpingography) because I was told that I would be in bed for the rest of the day and would have to take the day off work. This morning I took 1000 mg of ibuprofen prior to going to the hospital. I was on an x-ray table and he filled my uterus and fallopian tubes with blue dye and then I had to keep switching positions to move the dye. When he inserted the dye tube, it was the most incredible cramp I have ever felt and teared up a bit from the pain and the fear that this is what I would be feeling for the rest of the day, but when he was done and removed the tube it got better. He took multiple x-rays and then explained them all to me right there so I don't have to wait for results.

He said that my fallopian tubes are free of scar tissue or blockages and he doesn't see any reason why we can't get pregnant on our own. There was some scar tissue near my uterus but he said it is very small and not in a place to cause fertility problems.

I was home by 845am, moving a little slowly but for the most part feeling okay. Thank you again to Erin who was kind enough to get up early and drive me to the hospital, wait for me and drive me home.

My biggest complaint is that I have to wear a HUGE maxi pad which I haven't done since I was probably 15 years old. Now I am just sitting on couch, catching up on all my recorded shows. I feel like I should go to work because I feel fine but honestly, I think I am going to enjoy having a lazy day.

Okay, I wrote all of that this morning in an email to my Aunt Liz. I was feeling fine at the time. Then it hit about 2pm. I was so sick and just wanted to cry so I went to bed and tried to will the nausea away. What happened next is so weird!

First of all I woke up choking so violently that I am convinced that I swallowed a spider. I must have been pretty loud because the dog came running in to the room. When I woke up I had been in the middle of the strangest dream. So here I am choking on a spider, eyes barely open and trying to find something to write with in my nightstand drawer so I can write down the dream. Here are the things I wrote down that I remember from the dream.

A walrus
A shark that climbed out of the water
Kids playing in the water where the shark came from
My suitcase fell in the water on top of the walrus TWICE
Twin boys and four other kids
Ugly breastfeeding bras
Short butch haircuts on women
My brother, Wayne drunk and stumbling down the road with his bathrobe open
Strangers pretending they are family
No cheese
My mother acting nuts
Forgot how old I was
Corey Haim
Corey Feldman

Even as I wrote all these things down, I was so confused...until I got done with the list and read the entire thing. THESE ARE ALL THINGS I AM AFRAID OF!! First thing I did was call Colleen of course and she asked what pain medication I had taken. All I had taken was ibuprofen so I have no idea where all that came from. Very strange.......

I have no tolerance

Today I was reminded about my biggest pet peeve. I have absolutely no tolerance or use for people who spend all their time being negative about everything in their life! Today one of my coworkers returned from vacation and anytime someone told her that they were glad she was back, she would respond with something like "I doubt that". I had to go into her office later in the morning and all she did was start griping about how she is expendable and the office runs fine without her. The truth is that a lot of people depend on her for various tasks and the office would be lost without her but no matter how many times you tell her how great she is, she just wants to bitch.

Then she starts talking about how she is going to be the first one laid off (not that anyone is being laid off) because anyone can do her job. I tried to reassure her that in my opinion things happen for a reason and you can't spend all your time dwelling on what could happen. Then I reminded her that she had been talking about going back to school for her master's degree. Her response was "how in the hell am I supposed to afford that?" I mention financial aid and she tells me that she never had to get financial aid when she went to school before because "mommy and daddy paid for it" and she doesn't know anything about it. Keep in mind that she is probably ten years older than I am and still calls her parents mommy and daddy.

I went on to tell her that I had not gotten financial aid either while in school but I know that a lot of people qualify and she wants to know why my parents didn't pay for school. I very hesitantly told her that my father made too much money for me to eligible for financial aid but he did not contribute to my education and that is why I spent twelve years in college, sometimes only taking one class at a time if that was all I had the money for. Then i walked out of her office, pretty irritated.

Everyone has their shit. Things don't usually turn out the way that you thought they would. Life happens and you do what you can to make it work for you. Not to sound pathetic, but there are people in my own family who have said that I was dealt a crappy hand of cards (in my childhood) but I make it a point not to dwell on those things.

I have a fantastic life and don't know that I would change anything from my past if I could. Those crappy things that have happened, made me who I am. There are so many wonderful things in the world that I just can't understand why anyone would choose to be so unhappy. If your life is that depressing, if you hate your job that much, do something to change it!

I have no tolerance for people who want to bitch but aren't willing to doing anything to make changes. It is just like complaining about the presidency when you didn't even bother to vote!